Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you’re just not good enough? I can’t be the only one who has felt this way, right? That generally anxious, pit-in-your-stomach, ugly feeling when you realize nothing you do ever measures up?
I’ve been conditioned to be competitive. In high school, I was a ruthless member of the Lincoln Douglas debate team. High school student government. President of my dorm. Prestigious summer internship at Unilever. I’ve never applied for a job in which I didn’t receive an offer.
Trust me when I say, I like to win.
I’m also generally attracted to competitive people. The air of confidence. Ambition. The work ethic to stop at nothing until they reach their goals. It’s pretty dang sexy, if you ask me.
And then I graduated from Fisher College of Business. Which means I’ve studied all the ways competition is good and necessary. But here’s the thing – competition is GREAT for markets. For people? Maybe not.
Related: Laughter isn’t the best medicine, but I know what is!
The Downside of Competition:
Being competitive is highly stressful.
And it’s not good for our health. In a study by the American Heart Association, researchers found that those people who were highly competitive had an increased risk for cardiovascular disease, including heart attacks and strokes. This doesn’t surprise us, does it?
Being competitive leads to resentment and toxic thinking.
Have you ever found yourself resenting someone else’s success? Maybe even a friend’s? What an awful, awful feeling, right? Or worse yet, justifying their success with more toxic thinking like “well she only got that job offer because her dad is friends with the boss.” This type of thinking is something you MUST avoid to become mentally strong.
Being competitive allows us to compromise our core personal values.
Have you ever found yourself feeling like you’re willing to do ANYTHING to win? Have you looked for ways to game the system in your favor? If you turn on the news, you’ll see plenty of examples of people who have – like Lori Loughlin in her college bribery scandal.
You’re often competing against someone else’s values.
When you’re trying to one-up someone, you’re competing against what’s important to them, and not you. If you’re trying to keep up with the Jones’, when you mortgage yourself to death buying that new McMansion, will you really sit back and bask in a sense of accomplishment?
Nope.
Because the truth is that there will always be someone buying a more expensive house. There will always be someone richer, smarter, sexier, and more successful than you.
If you can just allow yourself to accept this, it’s really quite freeing.
I promise.
I have accepted that I will never have the nicest house. I’ll never win any modeling contests, I’ll never be the most fashionable person in the room, or the girl with the biggest bank account. I’ll never be the best food and travel blogger, I’ll never be the best travel hacker or the one with the craziest award mile redemptions. And that’s ok. Because I’m no longer competing against you.
I’m standing on the side lines, waving my white flag, and cheering you on.
I surrender.
You win.
And I’m happy for you. Truly. Because I’ve learned the Art of Competition.
The Art of Competition
Despite everything I’ve listed above, competition can be good. Competitive people persevere until they reach their goals. They are ambitious and confident. They don’t give up easily.
So how do you get the benefits of healthy competition without all the negatives? As one of my favorite authors, Amy Morin, says “The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.”
Bingo.
Competing against yourself is the answer. Why?
Because you get to determine your success.
When we stop and actually allow ourselves to think about it, success looks very different for each one of us. Do you really care about having a large, expensive home, or do you just think it’s someone else’s measure of success? Do you really care what your job title is at work, or is it just something you think everyone else measures?
When I stopped to think about what success would look like for ME, this is what I came up. I bet your list looks different than mine.
My Measure of Success:
Do I have a happier marriage today than I did a year ago?
Do I have more time to do the things I love now than I did before?
Do I have more energy and vitality now than I did last week, last month, and last year?
Did I get to see and experience more of this big, beautiful world this year than I did last?
Am I better at inspiring people through my blog today than yesterday?
When I compete against myself to get better at these personal measures of success, I find myself becoming more like the person I want to be.
The person who can watch someone buy a gorgeous new house and feel so much happiness that they are fulfilling their dreams. The person who can cheer on her friends through their weight loss successes and job promotions. The person who is genuinely happy to see other people shining their light.
This is still something that I need to focus on often, but I’m getting better each day. And that’s good enough for me.
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